Dads shaping their children

On Sunday September 1 families around Australia celebrated Father’s Day.

For some, it is an important day where children, young and old, make an extra effort to show their dad how much he means to them. For others, like me, it’s a bittersweet time when you stop to think about the special events in your life when your dad wasn’t there. I was only 21 when my dad succumbed to cancer, so I’ve always felt cheated that I never got to forge a long-term friendship with him as an adult.

On the flipside, I have been fortunate to witness the strong bond my husband has formed with our four children, who are now all in their twenties. He also lost his father in his early twenties but says he always wanted to have a more relaxed fathering style with his kids.

“My dad was very strict and he was probably of the mindset that children should be seen and not heard, so in many ways my parenting approach has been deliberately trying to be different to him,” he says.

“In some ways my philosophy was like the biblical thing of teaching the man to fish … to teach our kids to have learning experiences in their formative years.

“You have this amazing love for your children which is inherent but seeing them change and develop over time and mature and learn is fantastic. They’ve all got a pretty good sense of curiosity so when you see that they have worked out something for themselves, being independent, that’s great.”

It was after this discussion with hubby that I decided to ask three friends to describe their ‘fathering style’. While they had never really thought about the concept, they all agreed it was nice to stop and reflect on what was important to them being a dad.

Fifty-something Michael, a devoted father of two beautiful daughters now in their twenties, spoke of how fortunate he is to still spend time with his 86-year-old dad and the influence he has had on his life.

“My dad supported me with my chosen sports growing up and involved himself in various support roles,” he says.

“Whilst his support wasn’t always verbalised, his involvement and actions demonstrated his commitment to me. In reflection I feel I’ve followed in his footsteps with my own children, successfully coaching both their netball teams for numerous years.

“My dad also had a good work/life balance which is important to me and I work hard to maintain it.”

In summary, Michael describes his fathering style as being “supportive, available and nurturing, whilst promoting strong values”.

“The best thing about being a dad has been watching our daughters grow and develop into wonderful, independent women, confident in who they are and are not afraid to have a go.”

Friend Bill provides another perspective of being a dad, with his four children spanning across different generations. His daughter and son were teenagers when his first marriage broke down and he was cognisant of the need to reassure them that he would always be there for them.

“I had one rule and that was I was always available for the kids whenever they needed me,” he says. “My feelings for them hadn’t changed in any way and being there was the one thing we could do to reassure them that life would be OK.”

Finding love again and remarrying, sixty-something Bill and his wife are now proud parents to two boys aged seven and three. He says there are definitely some advantages to being a dad later in life.

“Looking back to life when you were 30 it was all consuming as you are trying to establish yourself in your work, trying to establish yourself in building a house, getting yourself together financially, and you’ve got kids.

“I have more time now, so if it’s a sports day at school or a parent event at kindy, I can pop in. I am able to be more present for the kids now than probably what I was then.”

Bill says he enjoys nothing more than when his whole family gets together for dinner. There is a sense of organised chaos as his young sons play with his two grandsons of similar age, his daughter and her husband are there, sometimes his older son and his girlfriend from interstate, his lovely wife and his elderly mother.   

“It’s this crazy thing of world, but we all approach it from how we can make this work and because we unconditionally love each other, it works.”

For devoted dad Tony, his Catholic faith and fatherhood go hand-in-hand.

Growing up with both parents working, he says his grandfathers were always present and provided strong “guidance, values and morals”. When he met his future wife and her Irish-Catholic farming family – complete with nine children –his faith was nourished even more.

“The expectations from her dad were very evident when it came to attending Mass as a priority, then family time, and he was always up for a religious discussion … let alone they said the Rosary every night,” he recalls.

Together now for 37 years, the couple has five children ranging in age from 30 to 21 and Tony says providing their kids with a sound faith foundation in their formative years was a priority.

“We go to Mass every Sunday and part of that was to get the kids to a certain level, maybe 16 or 17 years old, and then they had to follow their own faith journey … to find where it takes them and what it means to them.”

Describing parenting as a “blessing”, Tony says one piece of advice he received early on always resonated with him. “My wife once told me to let some of the little things go so that you can challenge on the bigger ones,” he says.

“We’ve always allowed the kids to grow in their own way, always caring and nurturing and being present. We didn’t want to stifle them, we wanted to make sure they found their own way.

“It’s a ripper being a dad … being with the kids, having the different conversations, enjoying the happiness, the sadness, watching them grow in so many ways as young adults. They make you proud in so many different ways as they continue to change and continue to grow.”

Appropriately, the last word on the important role of fathers comes from one of the kids.

Tony’s 27-year-old son was only too happy to share his thoughts about his dad, describing him as the “most significant person who shapes who I am today and who I strive to be tomorrow”.

“The type of relationship I have with dad is one built on love, respect and humour, shared with a passion for our Catholic faith, our family, sport and intellectual discussion,” he says.

“He is the rock of the family. There is no issue that is ever too large, no problem he can’t solve.

“I am truly grateful for the dad that God gave me.”

We encourage you to share and use this material on your own website. However, when using materials from Majellan Media’s website, please include the following in your citation:  Sourced from www.majellan.media