Leaving the family home
Persuading an aged parent to move into a nursing or aged care home is one of the most challenging and emotionally fraught experiences many families face. Naturally, as people age, they develop strong attachments to their homes and routines so conversations around this topic can be very testing.
Let’s face it. No one wants to leave their home where they feel safe and comfortable.
For children of aging parents, the decision to suggest a nursing home can be accompanied by guilt and emotional stress. The difficulty arises from a variety of emotional, social, and practical factors that affect both the elderly parent and their adult children.
Independence is one of the most fundamental aspects of a person’s identity. Over the years, parents may have built a life in their homes, where they raised children, formed community ties, and created numerous memories. The thought of leaving this safe environment can feel like a profound loss of control and autonomy.
The elderly may feel that a nursing home is the end of their independence, and they will be treated as frail or helpless. This anxiety can be even greater when they perceive nursing homes as places of isolation or as institutions where people go to ‘wait out their final days.’
Older people may equate the move to the loss of dignity, preferring instead to remain at home, despite their increasing physical or mental frailty.
There is a prevalent stigma associated with nursing and aged care homes in many societies, where they are sometimes seen as institutions for the elderly who are unable to care for themselves. This stigma can be hard for both the parent and the children to overcome. The elderly may view the move as an indication they have failed to meet societal expectations of remaining active, self-sufficient, or in control of their lives.
The media, unfortunately, has perpetuated negative stereotypes of nursing homes, often portraying them as overcrowded, understaffed, and lacking in personal care. While there have been several reported instances of sub-standard care and abuse at some nursing homes, it is not the ‘norm’. However, these stories can heighten a parent’s reluctance to consider such a move, as they may feel that it will compromise the safety and well-being of their loved one.
It is also true to say that suggesting a nursing home for an elderly parent is often accompanied by immense feelings of guilt. Children feel torn between their desire to care for their parent and an acknowledgment they won’t be able to provide the necessary level of care. The reality is that many adult children simply cannot fulfill the physical, emotional, and medical needs of an aging parent on their own, particularly if they have their own families, jobs, or other responsibilities.
It is a catch 22 situation.
The guilt is further magnified by the fear of being seen as abandoning their parent. Even though the decision may be made out of genuine concern for their loved one’s health and safety, the adult child may struggle with the idea of being perceived as “putting them away.” The parent, in turn, may feel hurt, betrayed, or rejected by this suggestion.
In many cases, the decision to relocate a parent elsewhere is not only emotionally challenging but also based on practical realities. As parents grow older, their medical and physical needs often increase, requiring specialised care that is difficult to provide at home. Conditions such as dementia, mobility issues, or chronic health conditions may necessitate around-the-clock care and supervision, something that can be exhausting and overwhelming for family caregivers.
The cost of home care services can also be prohibitive. Hiring private nurses or aides to help with daily living tasks are expensive and may not be sustainable over a long period. Adult children may also be juggling their own financial constraints, creating an additional pressure. A nursing home may provide a more financially feasible option, especially if the parent’s needs continue to increase over time.
However, the decision to seek institutional care can also be complicated by concerns about the quality of care and the accessibility of local facilities. Finding a nursing home that meets the needs of the parent, fits the family’s budget, and provides a safe, comfortable environment is a daunting task. Complex decisions about the type of care required, proximity to family members, and the overall atmosphere of the facility need to be considered.
Catholic organisations, such as the not-for-profit Catholic Healthcare, provide services that align with Catholic social teachings. Catholic nursing homes often have pastoral care services, offering spiritual guidance and support to residents and their families.
So, when families are faced with the decision of placing a parent in a nursing home, support is available. Professional geriatric care managers, social workers, and counsellors can help navigate the emotional and logistical aspects of this difficult decision.
Conversations with doctors can provide insight into a parent’s health and care needs, helping families to make informed decisions. Support groups for caregivers are there to offer emotional support and guidance, helping families feel less isolated in their struggle.
Footnote: Free information about nursing or aged care homes is available from these organisations:
Aged Care Decisions on 1300 775 870 or agedcaredecisions.com.au/families/
Older Persons Advocacy Network (OPAN) on 1800 700 600 or opan.org.au/
My Aged Care, the National Aged Care Advocacy Program (NACAP) on 1800 020 103 or
www.health.gov.au/our-work/national-aged-care-advocacy-program-nacap
Catholic Healthcare on 1800 446 774 or catholichealthcare.com.au/
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