Did you hear the one about….?
Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth.
To all the grandparents who are missing their grandchildren. When the crisis is over you can have them for a month. Promise.
It’s been a joy working from home since the crisis began. My wife and I have caught up on all the things I’ve done wrong over the past 30 years.
Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.
A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. “Oh Lord,” prayed the missionary, “I surely pray that the lion walking behind me is a good Catholic lion.”
Then, without looking back, the missionary heard the lion praying and felt relieved, until he heard:
“Bless us, Oh Lord, and these thy gifts, which are about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ Our Lord. Amen.”
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology degree. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?”
“No miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.”
Little Johnny had been exceedingly naughty and during dinner he was forced to eat alone in the corner at a card table. When everyone was seated, his father bowed his head and gave thanks. Then little Johnny gravely bowed his head and prayed out loud. “Thank you, Lord for preparing a table for me in the presence of my enemies.”
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, “Because white is the colour of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”