Have you heard the one about

Have you heard the one about?

It’s a five-minute walk from my house to the pub but 35 minutes back. The difference is staggering.

* * *

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity.

* * *

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with football. I’m gutted. We’ve been together for 8 seasons!

* * *

The bloke who started the Village Cinemas chain died earlier today. His funeral is today only at noon, 2.20pm and 5pm.

* * *

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will next meet on Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

* * *

The man was frantically waving a white towel to fend off an annoying fly. His son said, “Maybe he thinks you’re surrendering.”

* * *

The woman announced to the little girl that her Auntie Sharon had just had a baby boy and he looked just like his dad, Uncle Damian.

The little girl said, “Does that mean the baby’s got a beard?”

* * *

A father and his young daughter were watching a hang glider high in the sky.

“I wouldn’t like to be up there with that thing,” said the father.

The daughter replied, “I wouldn’t like to be up there without it.”

* * *

I had lunch today with a chess champion. It took him twenty minutes to pass the salt and pepper!