Have you heard the one about

A farmer wants to know how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his bored collie to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them and runs back to the farmer. The farmer says, “How many?”

The dog says, “40.”

The farmer is surprised and says “How can there be 40. I only bought 38!” The dog says, “I rounded them up.”

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Why did the scarecrow receive an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

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A husband and wife went to a restaurant that served food buffet style. During the meal the owner inquired, “How’s your dinner?”

“Fine,” the man replied. “I enjoy buffets. I eat till my ankles hurt.”

“Till your ankles hurt?” asked the owner.

“Yes,” he said, “my wife kicks me under the table when I’ve had enough.”

* * *

There were two paddle pops that went to the beach one day. Grandfather Pop and Grandson Pop. While walking on the beach on a 40-degree day Grandfather started to run to the water as the sand was too hot. Grandfather pop was melting in the water and started to drown, and grandson yelled out “Paddle pop!”

* * *

I was talking to my mate the other day about just how far the aviation industry has come since the Wright brothers, but he said he didn’t really care. I thought that’s just plane ignorance.

* * *

I told my doctor that “whenever I travel from one state to another I get drunk.” He diagnosed me as borderline alcoholic.

* * *

High-powered executive says, “Where’s my pencil?”

Personal assistant replies, “Behind your ear.”

Says the Executive, “Come on! I’m a busy person! Which ear?”

* * *

Shortly after tying the knot, a young married couple start arguing over who should make the coffee. Being a good Christian woman, the wife goes to the scriptures for her answer. She said that the bible specifically states that men should be the ones to make the coffee.

Puzzled, the husband asked her where in the bible it says that. Very confidently, the wife opens up her Bible and says: “It’s right here—HEBREWS.”

* * *

Much to his wife’s disgust, Jack always fell asleep during the homily at Sunday Mass. His wife, Helen, was so fed up that one Sunday when her husband had fallen asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Limburger cheese from her handbag and passed it under his nose. Startled, Jack woke up and blurted out, “No, Helen, don’t kiss me now!”