A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around a shopping centre in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, “And here’s something for you, Diploma.” or “This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma.”

Eventually a bewildered shopper who had overheard the comments, finally asked, “Why do you keep calling your grandchild, Diploma?”

The grandmother replied, “I sent my daughter to Monash University and this is what she came home with!”

🤣😂

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?

I heard there was nothing left but de Brie.

🤣😂

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping around the room and again heard, “Jesus is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?”

The parrot replied, “Yes.”

Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?”

The parrot said, “Clarence.”

The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus.”

🤣😂

My wife and I decided we don’t want kids.

The hard part will be telling them.

🤣😂

As part of the admission procedure at a local hospital, a young nurse had to ask each patient if they were allergic to anything. If they answered yes, the allergy was printed on a band and placed on a patient’s wrist. One day the nurse asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. She replied she couldn’t eat bananas as she would break out in itchy red spots. The nurse was shocked when several hours later the old woman’s irate son stormed into the nurses’ station shouting, “Who’s responsible for labelling my mother ‘bananas’?”

🤣😂

My wife accompanied me this morning when I went to the barbers for a haircut. Reading a magazine in the reception area, she found an interesting article and asked if she could take the magazine next door to make a photocopy.

“Leave some ID, a driver’s license or a credit card,” the hairdresser said.

“But my hubby is here getting a haircut,” she explained.

“Yes, I know”, he replied. “But I need something that you’ll come back for.”

🤣😂

I took the family to see Disney on Ice at the weekend. I wasn’t expecting to see Walt’s actual head.

🤣😂

A Catholic doctor, known for his successful treatment of the infirmed, had a waiting room full of people one Monday morning. One of the patients, a little old woman, turned up all bent over. She shuffled into the waiting room leaning on a cane. When her turn came, she hobbled into the doctor’s office, and, amazingly, emerged several minutes later walking erect with her head held high.

Another patient who was also waiting was astonished. He went up to the old lady and proclaimed, “A miracle! It’s a miracle! You walked into the doctor’s office all bent over and now you’re walking with a straight back. Please tell me, what did the doctor do?”

The old lady answered, “Miracle my foot. He gave me a longer cane.”

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