Have you heard the one about

I’ve decided on my New Year’s resolution. From the start of February, I’m not going to procrastinate.

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Quotable quotes from church notice boards:

Come in and have a faith lift.

We are open between Easter and Christmas.

If you don’t need God, bring a friend who does.

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A little girl went to school and learnt from her teacher that you can tell the age of a tree by counting the rings in its trunk. When she came home, she found a Swiss roll on her plate. She stared at it for a while, then said to her mother, “I’m not eating that! It’s five years old!”

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RECIPE FOR A TASTY CHRISTMAS CAKE

(or for any other time of the year)

You will need a cup of butter, a cup of white sugar, a cup of brown sugar, 4 large eggs, a cup of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, salt, lemon juice, a cup of mixed nuts and a bottle of whisky.

First, sample the whisky to test for quality. Then, take a large bowl. Check the whisky again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat several times.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl, add one spoonful of white sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.

Break two eggs and add to the bowl and throw in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry loose with a screwdriver. Sample the whisky again for tonsisticity.

Next, add a teaspoon of salt or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain the nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown sugar, but not flussy. Any colour will do. Wix me.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whisky again, take another slip … skip … I mean sip … and toddle off to bed.

P.S. You may wake up in the morning with a slight headache.

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What do you call Santa’s little helpers? 

Subordinate clauses.

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Two old men, Percy and Luke, were chatting at the pub enjoying a beer on Christmas Eve when Percy said, “Did you hear about old Mike down the street. He was nabbed stealing a Christmas calendar?” 

“Nup, didn’t hear,” grunted Luke.

“The poor bugger received a 12 month sentence,” Percy replied. “And just as shocking. His son stole an Advent Calendar on the same day and got just 25 days.”

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The girl was a keen observer of ads on TV. One evening she said to her mother, “I really like you, Mummy. In fact, I like you better than any other leading brand.”

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How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger!

Courtesy Book of Catholic Jokes by Deacon Tom Sheridan

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