Majellan Jokes

Magazine Autumn 2023 Majellan

A customer wanted his money back on a chain saw he had bought. “It’s so slow”, he said. “It took me an hour to cut down one small tree!”

When the shop owner started it up to see how it was running, the customer was startled and said, “What’s that noise?”

* * *

An electricity company had written to their customers warning them of a price rise. They received a phone call from a nun asking how much exactly the price was going up. The person in the customer service department asked gently: “Well, Sister, are you standing up or sitting down?”

The nun replied: “I’m kneeling.”

* * *

The barrister was arguing a technical point at great length. Eventually the judge yawned.

The lawyer said, “I hope, your honour, I am not unduly trespassing on the time of this court.”

The judge replied, “There is a difference between trespassing on time and encroaching upon eternity.”

* * *

“Back in the day…” my grandfather said. “You could walk into a grocery store with $3 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. Now, however, wherever you go there now are those damn cameras.”

* * *

I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”

“Yeah …” she replied. “But I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”

* * *

A young boy says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”

The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.” So, the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to foam at the mouth.
The scout leader says, “But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let’s get it right next time, boys!”

* * *

When a man was caught standing on the bathroom scales by his wife, sucking in his stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”

He replied, “Sure, it does. It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

* * *

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors but after taking some time to reflect on his misdeeds, he eventually turned himself into the police.
Luckily, the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the man.

                                                                                              Remember the first original seatbelt?


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