The making of a good mum

Where do you start? What are the most important things to share? What constitutes being a ‘good’ mum anyway? And gulp, would my kids actually consider me to be a good mum?

The whole process of writing this piece opened a Pandora’s box of thoughts and emotions of what being a mum means to me. Often, we are so caught up in the busyness of life that we forget to pause and reflect on our journey. I also found myself taking time to think about those women who, for whatever reason, have struggled to become mothers, or those who may have lost their mums recently and for whom this Mother’s Day will be a difficult time.

My experience of being a mum is nothing extraordinary, but it has brought great joy and love into my life. Don’t get me wrong, there have been countless times when I have felt frazzled, overwhelmed and exhausted by the demands of motherhood. However, as the years roll on these emotions seem to have been replaced with gratitude and thankfulness.

For me, building a family was never really discussed in great detail with my husband. I guess we always knew we wanted to have kids at some point but careers and to some extent, selfishness, got in the way. Finally, after more than six years of marriage we agreed it was time and our number one child arrived – three weeks early and after I had spent a long day at the office. Thank goodness I made it home on the bus before my waters broke!

It’s a surreal moment when you finally have your child in your arms for the first time. There’s an adrenaline rush but for me it was a couple of days later – after the hubbub of visitors and flower deliveries died down – that the realisation hit me: this helpless little thing was totally dependent on me for her survival. An overwhelming feeling of responsibility and love washed over me, and that mother-child bond was formed.

Of course, when her three siblings arrived over the next five years I didn’t have as much time to devote to worrying if that same bond would be formed with them – but it did, naturally and seamlessly. Before you knew it our household was a cacophony of noise, laughter and tears as our family of now six navigated life together.

Just as I thought I was getting the hang of being a mum to four young children – feeding, cleaning, nurturing around the clock – everything changed as they started to head off to school.

Suddenly, the importance of instilling those family values into their young minds became a priority as outside influences became more prevalent. I discovered that whatever mum (or dad) said was no longer the be-all-and-end-all and our children all had a mind of their own, a strong will and opinions they wanted to share.

The teenage years were challenging at times and I had to learn to ‘step back’. As a mum you are programmed to ‘fix’ things, but I discovered allowing your children to make mistakes and learn from them is all part of growing up.  

Eighteen years after starting the ‘school thing’ it was all done and dusted and once again I had to learn new mothering skills.

This time I had to cope with them not only being out in the wide world fending for themselves but travelling to far flung countries and not being in constant contact. I discovered What’s App and Messenger groups, how to calculate different time zones, came to peace with giving them their ‘space’, and supported decisions even if I didn’t entirely agree with them.

With one daughter living overseas for two years it was delightful to have all the ‘kids’ back living in the same city for six months in 2024. Family dinners with everyone present became a highlight of my week. Deep down, though, I knew it wouldn’t last forever.

In the past month our family unit has dispersed once again, with my husband and I helping our two oldest children move interstate. Both in different states (of course) and both for work commitments. No matter their age, leaving them doesn’t get any easier and there were plenty of ‘mum tears’ shed as we said our goodbyes.

In one of those moments a great friend sent me a lovely message which reminded me of what being a mum means to me: ‘Wow, look at your kids flying the coop at the moment,’ she wrote. ‘What a wonderful job you have done raising them!’

I guess that is all I’ve really hoped for since I held each one of them for the first time: that they would become strong, independent people with plenty of love in their hearts and would always know they are loved by me no matter where they are in the world.

For a mother’s love knows no bounds.