Did you hear the one about…

One morning a lame man struggled into a Catholic Church. He stopped in front of the holy water font, splashed some on both his legs and then threw away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and rushed into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d seen.

“Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle!” the priest cried. “Tell me, where is this man now?”

“Flat on his back over by the holy water,” the boy said.

My grandson was visiting one day when he said, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”

I mentally polished my halo and said, “No, how are we alike?”

“You’re both old,” came the reply.

* * *

“How was your golf game, dear” asked Jack’s wife Tracey.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad, I couldn’t see where the ball went”

“You’re seventy-five Jack,” admonished his wife. “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t play golf anymore,” Jack protested.

“Yes, but he’s got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you,” Tracey pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

“Did you see where it went?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack peering into the distance.

“I forgot,” said Scott.

* * *

Father Jim once told of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy for directions to the local post office. The youth gave him directions.

Fr Jim thanked him and said, “If you come to the church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.”

“I don’t think so,” said the boy. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

* * *

A couple in their sixties went to see a stage show featuring an illusionist. They were so impressed by his act that afterwards they went backstage to meet him.

“Tell me,” said the husband, “how did you do that stunt with the swords? It was absolutely incredible.”

“I could tell you,” smiled the illusionist, “but then I’d have to kill you.”

“Okay,” said the husband. “Just tell my wife.”