have you heard the one about?

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way.

* * *

A chicken and a duck were standing on the side of the road.

The chicken turned to the duck and said “Don’t! You’ll never hear the end of it.”

* * *

An elderly man with one arm bumped into an old friend.

“Where are you off to?” asked the friend.

“To change a light bulb,” replied the one-armed man.

“That will be a bit difficult for you, won’t it?”

“No, not really” said the one-armed man. “I kept the receipt.”

* * *

After being married for over 40 years to the worst cook in the world, a man arrived home from work one evening to find his wife in tears.

“What’s the matter, darling?” he asked.

“It’s a disaster,” she wailed. “The cat’s eaten your dinner!”

“Don’t worry,” said the husband, comforting her. “I’ll get you a new cat.”

* * *

A man in Melbourne calls his son in Adelaide the day before Christmas Eve.

“I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the shocked son says.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other,” adds the father. “I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Sydney and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister.

“Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”

The daughter calls her father in Melbourne and screams at him. “You’re not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be in Melbourne tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, do you hear me?” She then hangs up.

The old man puts down the phone and turns to his wife. “All sorted! The kids are coming for Christmas and they’re paying their own way.”

* * *

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve!

Courtesy Father Jim Clarke’s old Irish Joke Book