A bloke adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor … unfortunately, it swears like a trooper. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroys the parrot’s old cage, but that just makes a bad situation even worse. Then he notices his mum coming up the pebbled pathway to the house. What can he do? He can’t let his dear sweet mother hear this foul-mouthed bird. He quickly thinks. Then he places the bird in the freezer. There is some small talk, a cup of tea, and then his darling mother departs. As soon as the front door closes, he runs back into the kitchen and lets the parrot out of the freezer.

The contrite parrot with icicles on its feathers says, “Pardon me for my prior foul language. I promise you that it will never happen again.”

“Well good, thank you.”

“May I ask you a question?” says the parrot.

“Of course.”

“What did the chicken do?”

A sergeant in the army is out fishing with a navy sailor. A big gust of wind hits their small boat, and it capsizes. The sergeant starts to swim to shore, but he notices his friend is sinking and panicking in the water, so he swims back, and pulls him to safety.

“Please don’t tell anyone about this,” the sailor says, “If people found out I can’t swim I’d be the laughing stock of the navy.”

“I understand,” says the sergeant, “My men would be devastated if they found out I can’t walk on water.”

An English sailor just off the coast of Germany discovers that his boat is taking on water.  

Alarmed, he calls the German coastguard by radio: “Hello coastguard, I’m sinking, I’m sinking!”
There is a pause for a few seconds, before the coastguard replies, “OK … Vat are you sinking about?”

An old sailor once told me you could hear the calm before the storm.

He said it sounded like a C flat.

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