I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.

Want to hear a joke about construction? … I’m still working on it.

I used to hate facial hair—but then it grew on me.

Dad, can you put my shoes on?

No, they won’t fit me.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online … I’ll let you know which comes first.

Want a roof joke? Never mind, it’s over your head.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes … She gave me a hug.

I’m afraid for the longevity of the calendar—its days are numbered.

I don’t trust elevators—they’re always up to something.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport—I just do it for kicks.

I only drink on days that start with “T”: Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow.

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion? There was nothing left but de-brie.

Why do we never tell secrets on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!