Three women die and go to heaven. When they arrive, St Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: do not step on the ducks!”

So, they enter heaven, and there are ducks everywhere. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

There’s a loud quack and along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps. She proudly manages to go many months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The ecstatic woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The bloke says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

Last night, someone broke into my home and took a dozen eggs, but they left a saucepan filled with warm water. Police believe they were poachers and described them as hard-boiled criminal types. They believe it is only a matter of time before they crack the case.

Why did the dentist and the manicurist get a divorce?

Because they were fighting tooth and nail.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.

She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

My boss asked me why I only get sick on workdays.

I said, “It’s my weekend immune system.”

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