Teacher: “Who do you want to be when you grow up?”

Timmy: “I want to follow in my father’s footsteps and be a policeman.”

Teacher: “I didn’t know your father was a policeman.”

Timmy: “He isn’t. He’s a burglar.”

And some one liners …

Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

Why didn’t the tea introduce itself at the party? It was a little chai.

What did the cannibal serve with tea? Finger sandwiches.

The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.

Groucho Marx: “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Groucho Marx: “Room service? Send up a larger room.”

I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.

Never criticise someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticise them, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.