A crook stuck a gun in the man’s ribs and said: “Hand over your phone and your money.”

The man replied: “You can’t do this. I’m a Senator in Canberra.”

The crook replied: “In that case, give me my money.”

Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”

Student: “My father’s check book.”

My friend thinks he’s smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut in his face.

Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”

Student: “A drinking problem.”

What is the difference between a schoolteacher and a train? The teacher says spit your chewing gum out and the train says chew chew chew.

Rodney Dangerfield: “Last week I told my psychiatrist: ‘I keep thinking I’m a dog.’ He told me to get off his couch.”

And apologies to all the lawyers and former lawyers …

What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t know the law? A judge.

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes.

Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

The man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks: “How much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”

“That’s expensive, isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”