Jokes – Spring 2019

A couple who had been married for forty years were entertaining friends at a dinner party when the conversation turned to marriage counselling.

“We’ll never need that,” said the wife confidently. “George and I have a great relationship. You see, it’s all a question of education.”

“How do you mean?” asked one of the friends.

“Well, she continued. “At university, George did a communications course and I studied drama. So, he communicates really well and I act like I’m listening.”

* * *

Shane and Patrick were playing golf one day at their local course. Patrick was about to chip on the green when he saw a long funeral procession on the road running alongside the golf course. He immediately stopped in mid-swing, removed his cap, closed his eyes and bowed his head in prayer.

“That was a very sensitive thing to do,” Shane said afterwards. “You really are a very considerate man.”

“Well, I was married to her for thirty-seven years.”

* * *

A woman walked up to a gaunt little man rocking in his chair outside his front door.

“I couldn’t help noticing how content you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long and happy life?”

“I smoke three packets of cigarettes a day, I drink four bottles of whiskey a week and I never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” said the woman. “If you don’t mind me asking how old are you exactly?”

“Thirty-six,” he replied.

* * *

A cowboy called Geoff appeared before St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” said the cowboy. “On a trip to the Black Hills I came upon a gang of bikies who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone but they wouldn’t listen … I then approached the largest and most tattooed bikie and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now back off or I’ll kick all of you!’”

St Peter was very impressed. “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”