A long-distance walker bought a weather app for his new smartphone. As he was going for a walk, he checked the app before leaving home.

It forecast a Sunny 24 degrees with some light cloud about.

So, he grabbed his sunnies, a water bottle and headed out.

By lunchtime, he’d been sunburnt, hailed on from all angles, blown into a bottle-o and chased home by a feral magpie.

Angry and flustered, when he finally got inside his house, his phone buzzed with an updated forecast from the Bureau: “Melbourne in September: If you don’t like the weather just wait five minutes. It’s sure to get worse.”

At the start of spring, I decided to join a health club but so far it hasn’t done me any good. I paid a fortune for the membership and in the past three weeks I haven’t lost a kilo. Now they tell me I need to do the exercises!

September walked into a local pub wearing thongs, a raincoat, sunnies and a beanie.

The bartender stared at him. “Mate, what season are you dressed for?”

September said, “All of them. It was freezing at breakfast, raining by mid-morning, thirty degrees at lunch, and now there’s a bushfire warning.”

The bartender nodded. “Classic Melbourne spring.”

September shook his head. “Nah, mate—Melbourne calls this ‘partly cloudy.’”

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