Have you heard the one about?
A priest was giving a lesson in the 23rd psalm to a group of children when he noticed little Johnny seemed upset by the verse. “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.”
“What’s wrong Johnny?” the priest asked.
“Well,” replied Johnny, “I’m not worried about goodness and mercy, but I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time.”
A young man is feeling ill and visits a doctor.
While he waits in reception, a nun comes out of the doctor’s office. She’s haggard and ashen faced.
When the man sees the doctor, he says, “I just saw the nun leaving. She looked absolutely terrible.”
The doctor says, “I just told her she’s pregnant.”
The man exclaims: “Oh my, is she?”
“Of course not,” says the doctor, “but it sure cured her hiccups.”
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused. “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, the little girl observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t He?”
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on their way to Mass, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
Said one little girl innocently, “Because people are sleeping.”
Saints Dominic, Francis of Assisi and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time to the stable in Bethlehem where Jesus was born.
St Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.
St Francis, seeing God as a helpless child, is overcome with humility.
St Ignatius of Loyola takes Mary and Joseph aside and asks, “Have you given any thought to his education?”
The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained to youngsters in a Religious Education class at school. Following the story, the children were asked to draw a picture that illustrated what had happened.
Young Michael drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat, behind the wheel was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman.
The teacher was confused as to how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve.
But Michael explained: “This is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden.”
An elderly priest is driving down a highway when a policeman pulls him over.
After the priest winds down his window the police officer smells alcohol on his breath and spots an empty wine bottle rolling around on the floor. He says, “Father, have you been drinking?”
The priest replies, “Just water, my son.”
The policeman asks, “Then why do I smell wine?’
The priest looks down at the bottle and says, “Good Lord. Jesus has done it again!”
Little Freddy opened the big family Bible with fascination and thumbed through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. Freddy picked it up and looked. An old leaf from a tree had been pressed between the pages. “Mummy look what I’ve found,” he called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s swimsuit.”
Susie’s husband, George, had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, prompting frequent visits by their parish priest. Things were looking grim, but she was next to her husband’s bedside every single day without exception.
One day as George slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come nearer. She pulled the chair close to the bed and put her ear close so she could hear him.
“You know,” George whispered, his eyes filling with tears. “You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck by me. When my business went under, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were there. My health started failing, and low and behold you were there by my side. And you know what Susie?”
“What dear,” she asked, gently stroking his hand.
“I’ve decided you’re bad luck.”
Courtesy of The Book of Catholic Jokes Confirmed Funny by Deacon Tom Sheridan