A stocky teenage boy is sitting on a park bench eating chocolate bars.

A guy in his mid-30’s walks past and then stops. He turns around and says, “You shouldn’t eat so much chocolate. You know it’s bad for your health, and it looks like you could already lose a few kilos.”

The boy replies, “My grandfather lived to be 99 years old.”

The man responds, “Well I’m sure he didn’t live that long from stuffing his face with chocolate bars!”

“Nah, he lived that long from minding his own business.”

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A widower goes to a psychic to contact his late wife. “Darling,” he says. “Are you happy?”

“Yes dear, very happy,” she says.

Relieved, the man asks, “Are you happier than when you were with me?”

“Absolutely,” she replies, “I’m much, much happier.”

The husband smiles. “Heaven must be an amazing place.”

“I wouldn’t know,” she says. “I’m not in heaven.”

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A man has a racehorse that had never won a race. Finally, the owner loses patience and warns the horse, “Either you win this afternoon or you’ll be pulling a milk cart tomorrow morning.”

That afternoon, the horse is lined up with the other horses in the starting gate. As the stalls open, the rest of the field races off, but the owner sees his horse fast asleep on the track.

Angrily he runs over, yelling, “Why are you sleeping?”

The horse wearily lifts its head and replies, “I have to get up at three in the morning.”

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