A bloke walks into the pub the morning after the AFL grand final, still wearing his team’s jumper. He looks like he’s aged ten years in a day. The bartender says, “Geez, mate, you look like you’ve been put through the ringer. What happened?”

The bloke sighs: “What happened? We got absolutely belted. First bounce, and their ruckman jumps so high he nearly needed oxygen. Our best midfielder tried to chase him and looked like he was running through wet cement. By quarter time, the scoreboard looked like a phone number.”

“Second quarter, we had hope. One of our forwards finally marked the ball 30 metres out, dead in front. The crowd was hushed. He lines up the goal posts, runs in … and shanks it so badly it ended up closer to the hot dog stand than the goals. Even the hot dog bloke booed him.

“Third quarter, their captain kicks a banana goal from the pocket while falling backwards. Our bloke tried the same thing … but forgot the ball. Just kicked air. The crowd laughed so hard I thought the MCG was going to collapse.

“By the last quarter it was carnage. Their fans were singing so loud you’d think they’d won the lottery. Our fans were just praying for the final siren.”

The bartender nods sympathetically. “That’s brutal, mate. But there’s always next year.”

The bloke takes a long sip, slams his glass down, and says: “Next year? Mate, I’m still waiting for last year’s rebuild to finish!”

I threw a boomerang five years ago and it never came back.

Now I live in constant fear.

I’m just back from competing in the ‘Sun Tanning World Championship’.

I got bronze.

My wife asked, “Do you know any tennis puns?”

I said, “No, they’re not really my forte love”.

I missed the World Hairdressing Championships on TV last night.

Does anyone know if they’re showing highlights?

I used to feed gorillas at my local zoo from a distance using a golf club.

It would drive them bananas.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, “No, you’re right the steaks are too high.”

I went fishing at the weekend and this bloke was splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, “I can’t swim! I can’t swim!”

“It’s alright, mate,” I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, “It says no swimming anyway”.

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