Life’s short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.

I tried cooking something from scratch once. The fire department wasn’t impressed.

You know you’re getting old when your back goes out more than you do.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Every morning, I announce that I’m going running, but then I don’t. It’s a running joke.

I was going to tell a time-travelling joke, but you didn’t like it.

I just found out the company that produces yardsticks won’t be making them any longer.

A termite walks into a bar and says, “So, is the bar tender here?”

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

What did one Frenchman say to the other?
No idea. I don’t speak French.