During a fire at a convent, a group of nuns were trapped on the third floor. Thinking quickly, they took off their habits, tied them together and used them as a rope to climb out the window.

After safely reaching the ground, a reporter rushed up to one of the nuns and asked, “Weren’t you worried about the old habits ripping. They look old and worn.”

The nun replied, “Of course not! Don’t you know how hard it is to break an old habit?”

What kind of fish do penguins catch at night? Starfish.

What’s the weatherman’s favourite food in winter? Brrr-itos!

Who is Frosty’s favourite aunt? Aunt Arctica.

What do you call a snapshot from the North Pole? A polaroid.

Where does a snowman get the weather report? The winternet.

Why did the husband pour warm water on his computer? He had asked his wife what to do if windows froze.

Which is faster: hot or cold? Hot. You can catch a cold.

Why did the polar bear cross the road? Because chickens don’t live in the Arctic.

Why didn’t the penguin fly? He’s not tall enough to be a pilot.

When does winter begin? When autumn leaves.

Two widowers aged in their 80s were residents of St Patrick’s Nursing home. After a few years of a deepening friendship, the elderly gent fell in love with the woman. One day at morning tea in the communal room, he got down on one knee and said there were two things he would like to ask her.

She replied, “Okay.”

He said, “First, will you marry me?”

She answered, “Yes” and then asked what his second question was.

He groaned and said, “Will you help me up?”

A talking frog shows up in the offices of a posh New York bank. He proceeds to ask a bank officer for a loan of $1 million. Patty Whak, the loan officer, said she didn’t understand, and he adds, “Well, My name is Kermit and my father is Mick Jagger. We have banked at various branches of this institution several times.” Still confused, the loan officer said for that size loan they would need some type of collateral, so Kermit produced a small ceramic elephant and placed it on her desk.

Trinket in hand, Patty was most baffled and excused herself to go speak with her manager. When she relayed the crazy story to her manager, she showed him the small ceramic elephant and said, “I don’t know what to do … what is this anyway?”

The bank manager replied, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whak. Give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone.”

Archie came home from school in tears. “Mum, am I adopted?”

“No of course not,” replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?”

Archie showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived on the other side of the city.

Shocked, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Archie has done a DNA test, and I don’t know how to say this … he may not be our son.”

“Well, obviously!” he replied.

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. It was a nightmare! And then you asked me to change him.”

“Well, that’s what I did.”

Have a joke to share?  Send it to editor@majellan.org.au