Jokes

A wife says to her husband, “I bought you a beautiful surprise today.”

The husband replies, “That’s great. When can I see it?”

She says, “Wait a minute, and I’ll put it on.”

Florence was a conceited woman who was aware of her faults. One day after Mass she was talking to her parish priest and said, “Father, this morning I spent almost an hour looking into the bedroom mirror admiring my beauty. Is that cause for concern? Should I go to confession?”

“Actually, no,” the priest replied after thinking for a moment. “You only have to confess sins, not errors in judgement.”

After a long and successful career as a small business owner, a man decides he wants to devote the rest of his life to God, so he joins a seminary and studies to be a priest. A few years later after his ordination he is assigned to a parish. One Saturday afternoon he was about to hear confessions when he met an old friend from his former life.

Following Mass one Sunday morning, a thoughtless parishioner tossed a cigarette butt into the garden. Spotting the smouldering bush, the parish priest pulled out his mobile phone and called the fire department.

A couple in a small town want to have children but the wife is having trouble falling pregnant, so they go to see their local parish priest. The priest tells them their timing is spot on as his archbishop has ordered him to Rome for 10 years, and he’s leaving tomorrow.

Jokes A priest, a deacon and the parish secretary take a shortcut through a vacant lot on their way to a meeting to discuss the upcoming Easter services when they come across an old oil lamp. The priest picks it up and rubs it with his handkerchief. To their amazement, a genie appears in a

A farmer lived alone near a country town with a small dog that he loved and doted on. After many long years of faithful service, the dog finally died so the farmer went to his parish priest and said, “Father, my dear dog has died. Could you possibly offer some prayers at Mass for him on Sunday?”

The priest replied, “I’m so very sorry for your loss but unfortunately I can’t pray for your dog at Mass.”

The farmer said, “I understand Father, really I do. I guess I’ll have to go to the new church down the road. No telling what they believe. Do you think $1000 is enough to donate for the service?”

The priest piped up, “Why didn’t you tell me that your dog was Catholic.”

Jokes Paddy and Mick were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to work out the height of the flagpole,” said Paddy. “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman took a spanner from her purse and loosened a few bolts.

A priest requested quotes from local painters to repaint the exterior of the parish hall. All the quotes were within a few dollars of one another, with the exception of one by a parishioner who had been in business for years and had an excellent reputation in the community. His quote was about half of his competitors, so naturally the priest gave him the job.

Lenten words of wisdom:

It’s not what you eat that gives you ulcers … it’s what’s eating you.

If “love your enemies” is too much to ask, how about just treating your friends a little better?

Always plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah started building the ark.

Life is like a coin: you can spend it any way you wish, but you can spend it only once.